Darcy wasn’t sure when she managed to fall asleep, but when she woke, her entire body ached and burned. Loki’s arm was draped over her waist, but not pinning her down. She realised she could crawl out if she wanted to, but in the small bunk, she didn’t want to risk waking him up. It would be easier if she could go back to sleep, but by that point Darcy was wide awake. Too many days of catching little naps here and there where they could, followed by sleeping for most of the day once they got on the train had turned her internal clock upside down.
The light at her own bunk was still on, casting the cabin into a dim, orange glow. She couldn’t see out the window from where she was, but Darcy could tell it was dark outside as they sped across Canada. They were on top of the blanket, and though the cabin itself was relatively warm, Loki’s skin was cool where Loki was pressed against her. Darcy’s entire lower half was exposed not just to the air, but to him. She couldn’t help but feel small next to him, trapped and helpless, even if he wasn’t holding her down. She could feel his dick pressed against the side of her ass, and tried not to think about it. At least he wasn’t hard, which made it somewhat easy to ignore. His breath on the back of her neck, not so much.
Darcy had laid like this with boyfriends and lovers countless times before, both of them completely naked and hidden away under the blankets. She tried to pretend it was like that, something intimate and safe. Loki had said he would keep her safe, so long as she did as he said. She wanted to believe that. She had to believe that. If she doubted it for even a moment, she knew she’d break down all over again.
But there were only so many lies she could tell herself. And this lie of intimacy was one too far. She couldn’t ignore his words as they echoed in her mind. She couldn’t ignore what he’d done to her the night before, and what he’d made her do to him in the very bed she lay trapped in. When he’d forced himself on her and held her down as she cried, she knew exactly what was happening. But the other times, when he made her ride him, and made her think she wanted it too. Had she? Her body had reacted, and she hadn’t fought against it. She wondered if she had truly wanted it, or if Loki had somehow made her want it.
But even when he held her down, her body still seemed to want it. Then, Darcy had refused to give in. So why hadn’t she refused this time? And why hadn’t she the time before?
Behind her, Loki shifted, and for a terrifying moment Darcy braced herself for him to want to go again. She wasn’t even sure if he was awake as his hand moved against her skin. He was almost tender as he trailed a line up her stomach, stopping just at her ribs before moving back down again. She closed her eyes as he reached between her legs, stopping just short of being able to put his fingers inside her, making her blood run cold. Instead, he trailed back up again, tracing the same path along her body. She tried not to fight him, determined to let it happen to avoid anything worse. But he kept his hand outside of her, seemingly content to just touch.
She tried to relax, but it was clear he was awake again when his mouth found her neck. He was tender and gentle as he kissed her skin. Darcy wished he’d at least bite or scratch, or do something painful to help remind her that this was not a tender or gentle thing he was doing. But still, she didn’t fight him. She bit her lip and tried to stay silent even as he moved behind her, rolling his hips against hers. He was getting hard again, and she knew what came next. She wanted to tell him to get it over with, but she couldn’t find her voice to say even that much.
Each time his hand trailed between her legs, just too high to be truly vulgar, Darcy felt the smallest tinge of arousal building. She stayed still, trying to breathe evenly as Loki touched and teased and made her body want something she so desperately wanted to flee from.
Behind her, Loki shifted again, and Darcy braced herself for what came next. But instead of his dick, Loki entered her with his fingers, just enough to tease her arousal, rather than sate it. Loki rolled his hips against hers, pressing his dick against her, and encouraging her to move along with him. She tried to resist at first, but soon her body took control and she gave in, pressing herself against his fingers and trying to move them to just the right spot. Loki laughed against her skin and began moving inside her with a new ferocity, still just enough to tease even as she tried to fuck herself against his hand. Every time it felt like she was going to get close, Loki pulled away, edging her further and further toward madness.
She had no idea how long it went on. He dry fucked her from behind as Darcy was reduced to desperate noises and obscene writhing against him. When he finally let her ride out her orgasm, she bit back on a loud shout, not sure if Loki would have made it so their neighbours wouldn’t hear. Before she was even over the crest, Loki shifted again, and his dick replaced his fingers. As he fucked her from behind, Darcy moved along with him as his fingers found her clit again.
Some part of her wanted this. Even as she lay on her side hating herself for giving in, that part of her still wanted this. She told herself he had done this, using magic with his teeth and his fingers to make her want it, and maybe it was true. She came again, on his dick and with his fingers as his teeth scraped along her neck. Darcy could hear him getting desperate behind her, making the same high-pitched noises he had before as he struggled to finish. Then suddenly, he moved again and was gone. Before Darcy could even turn around, he pulled her away from the wall and put her on her stomach. Bringing her onto her knees, he was inside her again, hunched over her body with his in the cramped space of the bunk. It didn’t take long before he once again came inside her, one hand holding her down on the mattress so she couldn’t move. She realised what he had done, but knew there was nothing to be done. Darcy didn’t fight back, didn’t even try to move as he held her there, staying inside her as he panted heavily against her neck.
Her hips and shoulders began to burn from the pressure on them, and she slowly became aware of a painful burn deep inside that only seemed to grow more intense with each passing moment.
"You’re learning," Loki said. He pressed a kiss against her shoulder. "You may even make a fine queen when I’m done with you."
The full weight of what had just happened—what she had just allowed to happen—crashed down upon Darcy. She tensed beneath Loki, fighting against the urge to try to shove him off and flee. Letting it happen was easier when she knew what he would do to her otherwise, but knowing what he would do to her regardless made her hate herself for not fighting back. If she’d fought back and taken the abuse, she could at least tell herself she’d tried. But maybe more than just her physical body did want it, if all she could do was lie back and let it happen.
The thought that she had truly wanted formed a tight, painful knot in her stomach.
"I don’t want to be your queen," she said quietly.
Loki laughed, and kissed her skin again. He was a mouthy prick, in more ways than one, and it made her want to scream.
"No?" he asked. "When you birth my son, I’ll give you everything you could ever imagine."
Darcy tried to let herself fall onto the mattress to take the pressure off her hips, but Loki was fast to grab her around the hips and hold her against him. His hands were tight against her skin, pressing hard enough that she knew he would leave marks.
"Yeah. Well. That’s not going to happen," Darcy said.
She tried to pull away again, desperate to do anything she could to fight back. Loki’s grip only tightened as he pulled her entire body backwards against him, against his dick still inside her. He laughed again as he did it, and she regretted even trying. He laughed like he knew something she didn’t.
"Then perhaps we should try again," he said.
"Please no," Darcy said quickly.
She was surprised when Loki let her go, leaning back and rolling over to his side. Not caring what he would or wouldn’t allow, Darcy quickly got up from the bunk and locked herself into the tiny bathroom in their cabin. It contained only a light and a toilet, and nothing else, but Darcy had nowhere else to go. She was soaked and sticky down to her knees, and no amount of toilet paper was going to get her clean. But the alternative was asking Loki to let her shower, and she knew he wouldn’t allow it. Even if she tried to leave without his permission, she’d be spotted immediately, and someone would call SHIELD, and her life would be over.
As if her life wasn’t already over. She had been kidnapped and dragged all over the continent by an insane space alien hell-bent on getting her pregnant. There was no reality in which, whatever happened, her life was not already over.
Darcy didn’t know if the mess she was cleaning up was his or her own, but ultimately it didn’t matter. She had no idea how he had the energy when everything else had so thoroughly exhausted him. But at least there was no blood. The way her body burned and ached from her stomach to her knees, Darcy had expected to see blood. All she saw was the disgusting, sticky evidence of being repeatedly raped by the man she had tried so hard to help.
A horrible, sour little voice in her head asked how it could be rape if she hadn’t done a single thing to stop it. How could it be rape if she not only let it happen, but participated? She didn’t even have the self control to lie back and do nothing.
She wanted to puke. She had participated because it made him easier to deal with. She had participated because she had completely disassociated to make it easier. She had participated because when she fought back, he got cruel and violent. She had participated because it was the only way she had left to fight for her life. When Darcy played along with him, Loki was soft words and gentle touch. If she fought against him, she knew he would not only be cruel and violent, but that cruel violence would be the last thing she ever knew before he got bored with her and threw her to the wolves. At least when she participated, the last few days before her life was over wouldn’t be filled with terror and pain.
She had only her shirt, and didn’t want to go back out to the cabin to face Loki still exposed and naked. Unsure what else to do, she sat down and stubbornly refused to leave while her mind fought the same circular battle with itself. But she was cold and exposed and sore, and she couldn’t stay in that tiny closet forever.
At first, she thought she’d imagined the sounds on the other side of the door, but the sound of the cabin door shutting was unmistakable. Taking her chance, Darcy got up and peeked out, finding the cabin completely empty. She quickly dashed out to get dressed, tearing off her shirt to put on something else. She was out of underwear entirely, and instead put on one of the pairs of pyjamas they’d been given, tying the cord tight around her waist in the mad hope it might help to keep him out.
Darcy wanted to take her chances and find somewhere else entirely to be, but she didn’t dare so much as open the door and risk someone spotting her. Instead, she climbed up the ladder to the top bunk and hid beneath the thin blanket.
Her bunk was dry, at least. Loki could sleep in his own mess. It was the least he deserved.
He was gone for far longer than she’d expected, and when he came back his hair was wet. Darcy glared at him from her perch on her bunk, not even having to guess where he’d been.
"Can I take a shower?" she asked.
Loki looked at her for a long moment. "No," he said finally.
She watched him as he looked at the mess his bunk was in, letting a rising wave of resentment consume her. He looked better. He sounded better. Unless he’d been putting on an extended show just for her, there was clearly something to be said about "a good fuck" being part of his recovery process. For all she’d wished she’d let him fuck her back in New Mexico, Darcy suddenly wasn’t so sure. For all he seemed to want to go at it like a rabbit, she realised this was always going to happen. If she’d let him fuck her sooner, the only thing that would have changed would be the amount of times she got fucked on this stupid, awful run from the law.
"So what now?" she asked, pushing everything down deep into her chest so it would never come out again.
She moved, and it hurt. Everything hurt. She was entirely wrecked, and there was no taking anything back.
Loki looked up at her, and there was nothing kind in his gaze. He was pissed, and Darcy got the sinking feeling at least part of it was directed at her. All the soft words and gentle touch was gone, replaced once again by the man who had held her down while she cried.
"Now we wait, and hope your incessant prattling to anyone who would listen doesn’t get us killed when this thing stops," he said.
He was definitely pissed at her.
"Sorry," she said. "I thought they were helping us."
Loki made an irritated little sound and started stripping the bedding from his bunk. At first, Darcy thought he was going to call an attendant for something clean, and wondered if she was supposed to hide her face. Instead, he shook out the sheets, taking up every square inch of room in the cabin, and put those same dirty sheets right back onto the bunk. Darcy watched him, buried beneath her own blanket, not wanting to say anything that might piss him off even more. When he was done, he looked at it and nodded.
"I’m going to find breakfast," he said. "Stay put."
Darcy nodded. It was probably easier for him to hide himself than it was for him to hide her, and if he was feeling better, she didn’t want to risk that all over again. She hated herself for caring that much. She wondered how much of it truly was an act, but nothing seemed terribly out of line with anything he’d actually said. And maybe he would have got it all out of his system, and wouldn’t do anything to her unless it needed to be done.
But then, his definition of needing to be done, and hers were vastly different. And if he really did think he could get her pregnant, he might not ever stop trying until she got away from him. Her outcomes were looking more bleak by the minute. Because for all he didn’t seem to see the value in mentioning taking her with him, it certainly seemed to be his intent. Was this all she had to look forward to? She’d thought the worst he could do was kill her, but now she’d changed her mind. The worst he could do was torture her because nobody had taught him basic genetics. Through some quirk of evolution, their parts matched, but that didn’t mean much when there were literal light years between them.
Were these her choices? Be tortured for the rest of her life by Loki, or tortured for the rest of her life by SHIELD?
She didn’t know which one sounded worse.
Loki at least would usually stop when she told him what he was doing hurt. He at least occasionally pretended to be gentle. SHIELD wouldn’t do that. SHIELD had cut a man open and took parts out of him while he was awake and conscious. SHIELD had injected him with experimental chemicals, and then beat him when their experiment robbed him of his ability to speak.
SHIELD would not pretend to be nice. SHIELD would not stop when she asked them to.
Loki at least might.
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